Would it be ironic if you printed this?

So I recently got a new computer, right? And its wonderful, and fantastic and all that mushy junk.

And we have a few computers in our house, and they are all networked, and the printer is connected to the "main" computer, which needs to be on before any other user can print. And the main computer is slow.

And so printing takes far longer and is far more inconvenient than it really needs to be.

So I think to myself "Printers are pretty cheap these days, just go pick yourself up one and connect it to your shiny new".

WRONG.

Printers come with EVERYTHING now. You can only get multifunctions. Okay, I lie, you can get regular normal plain old printers.

BUT THEY COST MORE THAN MULTIFUCTIONS.

So why don't I get a multifunction?

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE ROOM FOR THE GIGANTIC HEAP OF HYDROCARBON MANURE.

I have said it once.

I have said it twice.

I have said it many, many times.

And after this experience my resolve was further hardened.

I.
Despise.
Printers.

Now I know that you are all thinking, "Wow, despise Chris? Isn't that language a little harsh?" But I beg to differ with every fibre in my being.

I realise that printers are hideously useful tools - they paperise (yes, paperise, got a problem with that verb?) stuff on your computer, which makes it easier to read and archive in hard copy. They let you stick things on walls, and give yourself paper cuts.

But its this usefulness that is the downfall of the humble printer.

One NEEDS a printer.

And the printers know this, yes they do.

The printers know how much you need them.

"What the hell Chris, they are inanimate objects for goodness sake..."

NO. I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEIR INSOLENCE IS RANDOM MECHANICAL FAULT. THEY KNOW.

"You have mice that connect in the same ways, and you also need them, but you don't hate them"

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY AREN'T EVIL.

Maybe that is too harsh.

Yes, it is. Maybe printers are merely insecure. They need to be reassured of their usefulness, they need to know that their work is needed. But everyone needs that every so often.

Printers, however, go about this in entirely the wrong way.

They do it by stuffing up at vital moments. They do it by constantly needing more paper. They do it by running out of ink. They do it by refusing to talk to the computer, or the network.

THEY DO IT BY BEING WANKY PIECES OF HIGHLY INSECURE PLASTIC.

AND THAT MAKES ME HATE THEM.

AND NOW THEY HAVE TEAMED UP WITH SCANNERS AND PHOTOCOPIES IN ORDER TO BE EVEN MORE USEFUL AND EVEN MORE FRUSTRATING BECAUSE THERE ARE SUDDENLY THREE TIMES THE NUMBER OF THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG. NEVER MIND ABOUT BEING THREE TIMES THE SIZE AND THREE TIMES AS INSECURE.

So I leave you with a message, my dear readers.

When you are feeling a little insecure and need some reassurance.

Don't. Be. A. Printer.

"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong"

-Benjamin Franklin